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* I feel like it's important to never lie to you. Therefore, I should mention that these aren't really letters "from my desk" per se ... it's more like "Letters from me while I lay on the couch listening to the rain snuggled under a blanket and mentally kicking myself for not getting a Diet Mountain Dew before I laid down". I always hate it when I forget to grab a drink first.
Dear Kate Middleton ... or ... Dear Princess of the United Kingdom (AKA: What it lists on Princess Charlotte's birth certificate as your FREAKING FAIRY TALE JOB THAT EVERY GIRL EVER WANTED TO BE WHEN THEY WERE FIVE) ... or ... Dear Woman That Is Unnaturally Perfect After Giving Birth To The Princess Of The United Kingdom Six Hours Prior ... or ... Dear Woman Wearing HEELS Six Hours After Natural Childbirth ... or just how about this instead ... Dear Kitty-Kat-Kate - Can we all just pretend to be you for a second? I mean. Six hours after birthing The General, my eyes still had a little bit of crazy in them and I still couldn't feel my legs. Props to you for looking like what was happening "downstairs" was no bigs. Sincerely, The World ***** Dear Mice In My House ... or more specifically ... Dear Mouse In My Bedroom At Ten O'Clock On Saturday Night - I left a cheetoh out for you. You can find it in that nice little glue trap under my dresser. Just think of it as a "Last Supper" or something. All the very best, Unimpressed ***** Dear Spiders In My Basement ... or ... Dear Dead Spiders In My Basement - He didn't look a thing like John Goodman did in Arachnophobia, but that Orkin man totally nailed it. Errr... You. Sorry about that whole "not being able to scare the shit out of me by laying in wait in my shower anymore" thing. (Not really.) Deuces, This Girl ***** Dear Grey's Anatomy - I stopped watching you after that whole Izzy/George/Burke debacle. Then? You kill off McSteamy. AND THEN? You kill MCDREAMY? What are you stupid or something? #ERloverforLYFE Sincerely, Shonda Rhymes' Fan Club Is Losing Numbers By The Second ***** Dear Mandy P. - Thanks for entering my giveaway, sweet lady. You won. Nan says it's because your mom likes pretty things. It's like they're soul sistas or something. Maybe bring me Diet Mountain Dew in your snazzy new cooler one day? That'd be great. Warm Wishes, Becky ***** Dear Sanzo - Thanks for providing my over and out for today's bloggity-blog post! You're the best! B. ***** I love you all like a 90's cheerleader loves crazy spirit fingers (and that's the truth), xoxo B. |
