Someone called me fearless the other day, and I laughed a little.
And snakes maybe hiding in leaves that I haven't dealt with since November.
And not enough sunscreen.
And just not being ... enough.
An entire lifetime ago, BFF Suzy gave me a magnet that reads, "Every day, she takes the wild dare," and it's in my classroom.
An entire lifetime ago, another friend gave me a wooden sign that reads, "Be a go-giver and not just a go-getter," and it's on my desk.
An entire lifetime ago, I framed Christopher Poindexter poems and hung them on my bedroom wall and one of them reads, "There are mountains in your skull, oceans and chaos," and I'm never going to take it down.
I laminated my goals for the year and they're within reach on my desk. They're divided into quarters because that's what responsible adults seem to do or whatever, and it's now quarter 2.
I didn't meet some quarter 1 goals.
And a quiet voice sneaks up the back of my spine and whispers violently in my ear that I didn't finish.
I'm four and my dad is in college and his giant desk is covered with graph paper, mechanical pencils, and he coaches every single one of my activities. I steal the pencils and the paper and I draw. He sits me on his knee. "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up." His massive hand motions across his desk. I believe him.
I'm in fourth grade and my new teacher with wild red hair and mismatched earrings tells my mom at parent-teacher conferences that I talk too much. "She needs to settle down a little."
I'm in the tenth grade and scrawled across the bottom of one of my papers is messy handwriting. "You'll never be able to do *this* with papers written like *this*."
I'm a freshman in college and we're workshopping our creative writing pieces and I have three in front of me. I stare at the words. "These two are okay, and this one is weird." I glance up. My professor says, "Let's talk about the weird one."
I'm in the middle of my Master's Degree and it's the middle of summer and I sit at my desk crying because a document won't save on my computer and there is no time to take a break.
I'm in the middle of Year Five in my marriage, and the dog leash is in my hand when a truth slips out of his mouth and maybe Mrs. Sutherland was right in the fourth grade - maybe I do need to settle down a little.
I suppose my parents always knew it would happen this way. I suppose they always knew that when I put my head into my hands at the end of a long day, their wisdom - like bombs of rationale - would float to the top.
- If one of is us working, we're all working...
- We're always on your team...
- You only have each other...
- Stop half-assign it...
- Spring always comes...
I close my eyes and pick the one that best fits the moment and paint it over the problem.
I think one of my biggest faults -
I think one of my biggest assets -
I think one of the heaviest things I carry is that I charge forward.
I suppose that can be misconstrued as fearlessness, and Ulysses by Tennyson is one of my favorite poems because
"I am a part of all that I have met,"
"Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
I carry all that I have met in my back pocket so that when the slinky snake named Failure, named Rejection, named Never Enough slides back up my spine,
I can defiantly whisper back that
I'm not done yet.
I'm just ... not done yet.
And neither are you.
. About Moi .
I love, love, love flannel sheets and I am really passionate about lists on post it notes and most of the time I'm sad that no one else is as excited as I am about Diet Mountain Dew. I also adore run-on sentences. And if you need an awesome virtual assistant, who is full of personality and really good jokes? Email me. I'm your girl.
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He saw her before he saw
anything else in the room.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
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