. On Looking at Him .

Look at me, mommy! Look at me! Look mommy! 

I'm not sure what it is about toddlers, but something in their brain requires them to tell you things four or five times. 

And so he does. 

Mommy! Mommy! Look at me! Look at me, mommy! 

And I do. I look at him.

Standing on one leg. Getting ready to jump from his chair. Proudly standing on his table bench. Feeding a horse a sliver of grass. Standing on any kind of ledge.

Look at me - he compels me in his little boy voice, still teaching his tongue to form words, still learning. And he knows that I'll stop what I'm doing and watch.

I see you, I'll tell him. I'm watching. 

And I am. 

Because there are only so many days, you know? So many days where he'll reach to the refrigerator handles and think it's the biggest accomplishment anyone has made ever. Or when he'll sit on shoulders and proclaim that he's on top of a mountain. 

Look at me, he urges. See me. And I do. My little boy that wants to climb every tree, feed and water all of the birds, race all of the cars, and pet all of the world's puppies. 

There are moments when he doesn't ask me to watch him. When he doesn't proudly yell my name. Just the same, I'm watching. And just the same, we'll catch eyes - blue to blue. Unsure, he'll reach his hand out, trying to push open the back door. Or he'll slowly venture under the large lilac bush. Or he'll bang his drumsticks on the wall. 

Are you watching? his eyes always ask. Are you there? 

I see you. I'm watching. I'm right here.

When I found out I was pregnant, I created an email address for The Gen. Often, I write little notes to him. If we're having a particularly perfect day, I send a photo. If I'm rocking him and my heart can't possibly fill any more, I'll send a picture of him. If we're having a trying day, I send a video. I always tell him that I'll love him until the stars fall down. It has become some sort of virtual scrapbook that I will continue until I can't anymore. And I'm so glad I have it. 

Yes, I was watching, I want to be able to tell him one day. One day when he's got a family of his own, or living eight states away. 

I was watching. 

I've always been watching. With my whole heart. For my whole life. 

This Mama thing is so much, you guys. So, so much. 

xoxo, B.