When you were in junior high, you played the I love you more game and you probably won, didn't you? Your soft spirit not really quite understanding that speaking your truth and living your truth do not always mean that things always work out.
You'd find out soon enough, though. Soon enough, too soon for your fledgling heart, you'd be dropped by a careless someone whose eyes you only remember late at night and whose touch still burns inside ... somewhere. You'd fall. Hit hard on the earth and taste dirt on your lips, and then you'd think, No. No I do not really like that.
I bet you did not really like that.
You picked yourself back up and you readied yourself for another battle of love. And your armor was thicker. And your teeth suddenly started grinding in your sleep and your trust was safely hidden behind some kind of fortress built out of childhood happily-ever-after dreams and your soiled hopes. You went forth brazenly, didn't you? Shoulders thrown back almost arrogantly and your eyes on the horizon. Looking. Waiting. Watching for some sort of perceived trouble.
There will be no more dropping of me, you thought. And somewhere in time, you stopped noticing your tightened jaw at night and the makeshift fortress in your heart grew larger and harder. And you suddenly became one of One of Them. You no longer cared about how Things End Sometimes, and instead, you cared only about not being the one dropped.
You began to measure your Levels of Love and you dispersed it like some sort of Robin Hood giving alms to the beggars. You began to weigh people in your mind - deciding quicker and quicker who was worthy of your grace, your wit.
And the people deserving became less and less in number, because you were hurt once.
And you will not be the one hurt again.
You will splinter people throughout your tenure on the battlefields and your heart - unbroken and almost pristine in a dirty, dirty world continues to beat on.
My sweet warrior, you just haven't figured it out yet, have you? You do not have to carry that weight in your chest and you do not have to worry it is going to suffocate you at night. You do not have to guard your heart like some kind of aggressive beast from the fairytales your momma read you when you were small.
Unlock the chains holding the walls of your trust up inside your ribs, and listen to them clank as you drop them. Let them fall. Take deep breaths in and exhale the skepticism and the dishonesty and the waves and waves of fear. You are drowning and you cannot even make yourself call for help because you know that your armor silences the wail.
Take it off.
Set it down.
Let it go.
Throw away your Levels of Love Measuring Tool and decide deep down inside of you that giving - the sweet act of giving - is better than receiving and just -
Be the one that gives.
Rest and settle and have courage in the knowledge that maybe being dropped one day - falling and tasting the hard earth that has somehow mixed with your tears in your mouth - all of it. Every speck and atom and shrug and winks from across long rooms -
All of it.
It's worth the quiet. Your heart will still thump in your chest and the steady rhythm will rain down on you and oh my god.
You will be content.
** Another Disclaimer: Sometimes I find inspiration at Subway. This has nothing to do with my life and everything to do with the man I saw sitting alone at Subway tonight with eyes that looked right through me.
. About Moi .
I love, love, love flannel sheets and I am really passionate about lists on post it notes and most of the time I'm sad that no one else is as excited as I am about Diet Mountain Dew. I also adore run-on sentences. And if you need an awesome virtual assistant, who is full of personality and really good jokes? Email me. I'm your girl.
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He saw her before he saw
anything else in the room.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
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